Some things before I jump right in. I guess I should lay out some characters. There is me. I’m in my late 20’s. There’s my partner, he’s in his late 20’s as well. Then there is Mr. Narcissistic Man, who is in his 40’s, along with his wife. You may be wondering why I am referring to him as Narcissistic, it’s because he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I made the diagnosis before he properly was. I was raised by a Borderline Mother and in college my focus was in Mental Health and treatment of Personality Disorders, so I don’t throw those types of diagnosis around. How do we know each other? Sadly, distantly related. We’ve been hearing these wild, incredible stories about him and his wife since we started communicating with this branch of the family tree.
What’s NPD? You might be asking. A summary;
They may seem charming, have it all together, some are known for possessing the best of everything and some are preoccupied with looking great. It’s all a lie. They frequently live beyond their means, ending up in foreclosures or short sales of a house they never could afford. They get family tangled up in their web by borrowing money and using guilt trips. (Mr. NPD in this story, told his own mother that if she didn’t foot the bill for a expensive home repair project, he would never talk to her again. That and his wife Mrs. NPD called and emailed everyday about it.) They take high risks in everything and end up losing jobs, losing friends, and making questionable decisions. They react to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation. Mr. NPD reacted with anger and what is called Narcissistic Rage. They take advantage of others to get what they want. See above, using the mother and now the NPD family does not have the house with the expensive repairs because they lost it, and mom is on the hook for the money.They exaggerate lots of things about themselves. Mr. NPD has lied about his jobs, and his income constantly. It became a running joke between me and my partner.They have unrealistic ideas about romance, success, beauty, power and intelligence. We discovered (much to our surprised) that Mr and Mrs. NPD lied about their own children and their successes. How lame.
The NPD person needs constant praise and positive reinforcement and easily becomes jealous. They lack empathy because they are obsessed with themselves. They have trouble with healthy relationships because healthy relationships have boundaries. Mr. NPD was not someone you said no to. If he didn’t get his way, he let everyone know it. They appear tough and cold but the slightest perceived abandonment or disagreement and they explode. The Narcissistic Rage I mentioned above was spectacular. I mean there is nothing you can really do at that point when someone is so angry they cannot form a complete sentence and are rambling. It can get dangerous, and that is what this story is about.
It was a few years ago that I had a very mild misunderstanding with Mr. NPD. Up to this point, we behaved as polite acquaintances. Then I couldn’t help him shop for a gift right at that very moment. At first he emailed me a very sarcastic email but then he was cool. Even apologizing. The end of his email said “I know, you’ve got your own life. You shouldn’t drop everything for me.” We were still cool with each other, I thought. A few hours later I received an email from a family friend who wanted to know when did I get on FB. I’m not. Apparently Mr. NPD talked his teenager into starting up a profile for me. How sweet! Since we have mutual family and some friends, he added who he could. The profile said that I was a liar and break promises and (my favorite!) an Atheist that celebrated Christmas! The shame!! The profile was reported before he could even send me his first of what would be many long-winded emails. The teenager came to her senses and took the profile down that instant when I called her and she apologized. But that apparently just put more fuel on the fire.
An excerpt from the first email:
“How fucking dare YOU call MY kid and tell HER to take anything down. I don’t give two fat fucks what you think. You deserved it. You stuck up bitch.”
and that’s the cheery part. I responded back, which was the worst thing to do, but I felt that if I could tell him I was in no way attacking his child but telling her to remove a profile using my name and picture that it would be the wisest thing to do. Again, when dealing with the Narcissistic it is wrong, wrong, wrong.
So for the next two weeks of my life, I received at least 2 emails a day, was informed of groups about me (he was usually the only member) and another attempt at making a profile of me that was abandoned very quickly. In his other emails I started to notice that anytime he referred to himself it was capitalized. I received some that were just bizarre ramblings about HIS family. HIS money. HIS time. other times it was about if I admitted how wrong I was for telling his daughter to take down the fake profile, he might forgive me. I thought this was about me not having time for him. Now I was confused, but I refused to communicate with him anymore.
Then the threats started. It went from being a funny little game of “what will he say next” to”Ok, we have to get the cops involved.” He posted on FB (See, that part about perceiving themselves to be intelligent) about hurting me and how he was going to do it. Then he followed that with an email to me about coming to my house and attacking me and my partner. This was no longer fun. So I had to take all my emails and FB info and turn it in. As soon as the Detective looked over it he said “You’ve got a Personality Disorder on your hands. Either Narcissistic or Borderline.” He looked over all the info and called me back in for a meeting and about how to proceed. “Did this really start over you not being available to help him with something?” he asked. “Yes.” I replied. He looked amazed.
Then the process. It was longer than I cared for really. He stopped pretty quickly when he was contacted by police. He apologized and promised to stay off FB for a year and to no longer contact me or my partner in any way. Then I heard that right after his apology to me, he threatened a woman at his work and was fired. His wife cheated on him left and right and admitted to others that he was verbally and emotionally abusive. I feel sorry for this person but they continue on the same path. As for me and my family, we want nothing more to do with him or his equally strange wife. I refuse to walk on eggshells any longer. I did that with my mother and I cannot and will not do it any more for anybody.
It was a sad, scary time. I was going through a huge loss. I lost a grandparent and someone I cared deeply for. It sucked getting on my computer to see he had sent more hate mail. the low blow came when he said he was happy to hear that my grandparent had died. That did it in for me.
I’ve tried over the years to figure out how someone can live like that. With all my understanding and knowledge of Personality Disorders, I know they live with tremendous pain every single day. They feel beneath others and have to act out and behave in these ways so people will pay attention to them and listen to them. But what a shitty way to live.
growingupgoodinthespookysouth 